My Comically Weak Arms

A few days ago, I crumbled under the weight and strain of an extremely heavy mirror we are throwing away. My son watched me take a full 20 minutes to inch the weighted item 5 feet from the back of the garage to the back of the van.

This mirror is almost as tall as I am and a few feet wide. With nowhere to grip but the accentuated edge, I found it very difficult to pick it up without protecting my hand with the sleeve of my shirt.

Once at the car, I couldn't lift it into the back. After trying many positions to grip it, then unseccessfully squatting before I lifted it, and finally accidentally breaking bits of the glass corners, I finally got it in the van. I drove it down my long driveway and then freaked out.

How in the world would I get this out of my van to the curb? At least it didn't take me another 20 minutes, but I struggled with the blasted thing for a good long time before I laid it to rest near the mailbox.

Today as my 11 year old son and I took notes for his research paper on Patrick Henry, my son watched the trash men effortlessly pick up that mirror in less than a 60 seconds. In a matter of minutes, they tossed that heavy mirror, the trash can's contents, and other doomed items. My son couldn't stop laughing at the contrast.

I guess it's time for me to hit the weights at the gym.

I bet this guy could've lifted my mirror.

Homeschool Success is What you Make of it

When people find out that I homeschool my kids, they sometimes will automatically assume my kids must be geniuses.

What pressure!

Can you imagine how I feel?  I feel like my kids should be able to perform like circus monkeys on command. Some people have such high expectations that I wonder if they will be disappointed that my children have not memorized the entire periodic table of elements.

Unlike Doogie Howser, my kids suffer from being normal.  They are average.  I feel like scooting people along with a wave of my hand. Nothing to look at here; move along, move along.

Just like their mother, my kids struggle to learn their times tables. Like their mother, they don't always read the directions carefully and end up doing something other than what is assigned.  And like their procrastinating mother, they rarely allot enough time to do a project the best that they possibly can.

I don't mean to say that they are stupid.  Although, this is another accusation levied upon my unsuspecting students. The pendulum of assumptions swings from slightly flattering to downright offensive.

For some reason, people don't realize that how you choose to school your children might as well fall under etiquette's discretion to avoid talking about politics or religion.

One man told me that he was suspect of all homeschoolers because of his backwards neighbors who homeschool by letting their kids watch TV all day. What he didn't realize is that he was unconsciously comparing my children to these lazy, unlearned people.

Similarly to their counterparts in traditional school, my kids have their favorite subjects and others that they despise. They make me proud when they take advantage of their unique situation by utilizing their extra time to delve into a subject they love.

For example, when we bought our first flock of chickens, we checked out every single book about chickens in the county library system. The kids became experts concerning chicken anatomy, behaviors, care taking, and, yes, their reproductive system. (Let's just say that I completely understand now why they used to call the talk "The Birds and the Bees." Once you learn how chicks are made, baby making is not so scary or weird.)

Each new addition to our zoo prompted the same reaction by my oldest daughter. She's drained the library system of their books on rabbits, dogs, and cats.

Even a trip to the Smithsonian's Natural History Museum inspired her to clean out the library's shelf on gems and minerals. When I flipped through the books she chose, I realized she was attracted to the textbooks.  You know, the books in black in white with no color pictures. I couldn't relate.

My son has used his hyper time at night to complete his math work for the next day. Gaining a second wind at 9:30 pm, I give him the option to either read in bed or start on the next day's schoolwork. Loving to sleep in, he has taken this second option on occasion.

What I am trying to say is you will find the same mix of kids in school as you will find being schooled at home. Some will use their peculiar situation to pursue productive hobbies while others will waste their chance for greatness.  Homeschooling might be flexible when it comes to a school schedule, but, just like traditional school, it is up to the student to take advantage of their situation.

$1 Lesson

A dollar a week per child may seem like a scant allowance. But let me remind you that I have 5 children.

In class a few weeks ago, my 7 year old found out that children during the Industrial Revolution received $1 a week for their dangerous and long hours at work. When the children gasped at how these poor children received so little, my girl muttered under her breath, "That's all I get." The other moms looked at me and laughed.

But what do my kids really need to buy?

With their measly dollar, we go to a huge dollar store in Chantilly. You will not believe all that is offered there for just a buck. Using their dollar allowance, my kids have bought panda head earbuds, a radio, fake nails, eyeshadow, mascara, a wide array of toys, and costumes. I even saw a $1 pregnancy test by the register. That store has everything!

Plus, receiving so little gives them the opportunity to save up for more expensive prizes. Since we don't make it to the dollar store each week, they are pleasantly surprised when they realize that they've accumulated $3 or $5.

Added to gift money they might have received, the kids have bought big ticket items. For Christmas, the older two bought a nice Littlest Pet Shop tree house for their younger sisters. Usually, though, the kids buy video games.

Today the younger three and I ventured into a store called Dollar City in Fairfax. What a disappointment. The stench was enough to make me walk out as soon as I walked in. But then again, the stench kinda lured me with the promise of inexpensive merchandise. The smell was a rouse.  I couldn't even find one item that wasn't over a dollar. I would rename that store to Dollars City.

The five and three year old have no concept of money and were grabbing anything in the store in hope that I would buy it.  I had to pry a $1.19 fly swatter from the baby who was sure this was just a "doyar."

The 7 year old had better sense.  Even though she couldn't bear to walk out of a store empty handed, she helped me convince the kids to leave the stinky, useless store. As little as their allowance might be, it still is teaching them to reject junk better than I could ever teach them.

Sick Days

As a child, I knew that a sick day would only be declared if I had something to show. I needed evidence. A high fever. Vomit. Diarrhea. It's a standard that I have applied to my own children as well. Tiredness, headaches, and stomachaches are no excuses for skipping school.

Continuing with that same mentality, I forced my then 10 year old son to swim on the swim team and pushed him to do whatever we were doing when he complained of being so tired during the summer of 2010. By the end of August, tests showed he was suffering from mono.

Before he contracted the virus, I had always thought of mono to only cause sleepiness and sore throats. Little did I know that 18 months later I would still be bracing for every lingering tremor set off by that devastating original earthquake.

All last year my poor boy was stricken by every last item on the "You Might Also Experience These Symptoms" list. Ever see those lists on a medical website? They warn you that a small percentage of people might be afflicted by this uncommon list. Well, he had every one of those.

School for him was a wash last year. It's really not productive to school a boy suffering from migrane-type headaches while also suffering from body-contorting stomaches and joint aches and muscle aches and eye strain. My job, really, was to comfort him.

This year, his health is so much better, but he's not 100% well yet. At times he still hides under piles of blankets because he cannot feel warm enough. His headaches occasionally afflict him, as do the stomaches.

So far, the doctors haven't pinpointed a cure. I haven't given up on the medical front, even though his many good days in a row tend to bump him off the emergency list that I seem to be endlessly operating from.

After loosing basically a whole year of school last year, I don't want him to get farther behind. Besides, this year his mind reawakened. Because he is able to absorb knowledge, I want to encourage that.

On the days when he feels like junk, the little girls and I accompany him in front of the amazing Netflix to watch an education video from their unlimited list of options.

Today, for example, we watched a National Geographic movie about the Appalachian Trial since the kids are learning some of the more popular mountain ranges and other geographical features that make up that extensive mountain range.  After that, we watched a PBS documentary about Pompeii to learn about one of the points on their timeline of world history. (As a result, by the way, my 7 year old has decided she wants her older sister to design her a Roman house like the ones she saw in Pompeii. Adorable.)

On his relaxed schedule today, I had my son help me drill his 5 year old sister on her vowels. Knowing his stomach hurt badly, I read to him his source material so we could take notes together for his research paper. It was a hard day for him, and an even busier day for me, but we ended the day with some school work to show for our time.

Depending on one's point of view, a sick day for the homeschooler is still spent with the teacher which can either be an asset because there is less opportunity to get behind. Or it can be an even bigger disappointment because the teacher hates to see her student lay around doing nothing.

It's hard to be responsible for your kids' education and it's hard to make the call on when they are truly sick. It's hard to lose a day of school when you are teacher, parent, and principle all wrapped up in one. So unless there is evidence, they are required to do their schoolwork. But even if there is evidence...well, even with the evidence, I can't stop myself from imposing some type of school on them.

Mommy Behind Bars

At class today, I had my weekly therapy session.  During this time, we moms get together and laugh about how similar kids always are.  While the children ran around playing in the field, we moms patted each other on the back to reassure ourselves that all will be OK.

Today I shared the story of my 7 year old's personal passive agressive style. Style is a good word since she has her own flair.

I don't remember what I did, but on this particular day, I upset her.  As I typed at the computer she came to me to show me her artwork. The drawing was titled "Famlee."  Ok, we need to work on spelling, but at least she can sound out words.

Every member of the family had their name surrounded by a little personal picture. As she showed me the picture, she studied my face. I guess I didn't give her the response she wanted.

So she pointed to my name. I told her I liked it. She pointed to the bars through my name and explained that while other members of the family had their names in lights or were awarded blue ribbons, I was in jail.

I smiled. In my head, I knew what was going on, but I told her how beautiful it was. To show I wasn't sore, I asked if she wanted me to hang it on the wall. That was the last straw.

She shrugged her shoulders, told me this wasn't her best work, and threw the drawing away. To her, the overture had gone unnoticed. After she left, I fished that drawing out of the trash. Having made me laugh so hard, I want to have this memory to show her in another 15 years.

Peace During the School Hour

When the oldest were little, I banned Play-Doh. Somehow those dried-up hardened chunks managed to escape the wrath of the vacuum and the dust pan. The colorful dust on my floor didn't please me.

Instead of playing with play-doh, we did a lot of other activities. I drove the kids to playgroups. We attended story and craft times at the library. Daily I read to them for hours. We walked to the neighborhood playground or drove to explore other playgrounds.

Now that I am actively homeschooling 4 children while trying to appease 1 toddler, time is a luxury. I'm unable to participate in library programs, read for hours to each age level, or explore nearby parks.

In short, Play-doh has become the least of my worries. If my 3 year old can safely amuse himself with something that will capture his attention for an hour, what do I care if it makes a big mess? Blowing bubbles? The contents of the kitchen cabinet? Band-aids? Soap bubbles in the sink? All are fine. All have been removed from the Off Limits List. All help me maintain peace during school time.

Playing under the school table.

Teach a Child to Call not Cook

As a mother, I feel that part of my job is to teach the kids basic skills around the house. Being part of this big family means that we all need to pitch in to keep the joint running smoothly. Besides, I really can't do everything.

Knowing that I need my kids to fend for themselves on occasion, I want them to familiarize themselves with the kitchen.  Tonight, my oldest daughter had her best friend over. They asked if they could snack on bread spread with Nutella. The time was 5:30, and I knew this would interrupt any desire for a real dinner.

So, I threw them the Trader Joe's pizza dough balls and told them to read the instructions and make us all some pizza. Golly, I love capable kids. My kids are so almost capable!

These girls wanted to throw the dough in the air like a real chefs. But after hearing the splat of our dinner hit the ground, I had to intervene. Good thing too, because they were intent on creating calzones.  Ugh. That's just pizza with a mess to clean off your clothes.

So I floured the counter and showed them how to roll out the dough. The older girls shocked me by choosing all the sliced veggies for their pizza. Also, they searched the whole kitchen for the pickled jalapenos we always keep on hand. Healthy? Spicy? I was impressed.

My 7 year old surprised me by leaving off the cheese from her pepperoni pizza. I totally would never have guessed anyone wanted a pizza with just sauce and pepperoni.

The 3 year old kept grabbing the knife and cutting when I wasn't looking. He wanted to do everything himself. Spread the sauce; sprinkle the cheese; eat the pepperoni. With him at the counter, controlling him was as successful as wrangling a wet eel.

In the end, our pizzas were disgusting.  After one bite of a undercooked, bland piece, I truly understood the value of delivery pizza.  So I've changed my mind. Instead of teaching them to make their own pizzas, I'm going to enter the delivery places into their cell phones.